


broken lights on the freeway

by isthatalittlebowtie (froggydarren)



Category: Glee
Genre: 5x16 reaction fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:24:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1481182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froggydarren/pseuds/isthatalittlebowtie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>The conversation after the one that we've seen on screen. And my wishful thinking of what should happen at some point in the show. </em>Title from the song <em><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s">Broken</a></em> by Lifehouse (<a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lifehouse/broken.html">lyrics</a>)</p><p>Warnings: anxiety mentions, references to gay bashing and assaults, reference to 4x18 (Shooting Star) and 4x04.</p>
            </blockquote>





	broken lights on the freeway

All through the fight, as long as it lasts, Kurt doesn’t _understand_. He’s hurt, and that clouds his judgment for a while, and it takes him a while to shake off the feeling of betrayal. But then, then he stops to think, to _look_. It’s the last conversation that does it, really, when Blaine crumbles in front of him, when the words “ _I don’t love him anymore_ ” slip from Blaine’s lips.

It feels like a stab, in the first moment, and Kurt fights hard to not snap back with “what else can I do to prove to you that your fears are unfounded?”. But seeing Blaine, noticing the way he says that with such nonchalance, like it’s something Blaine _expects_ , that shakes Kurt to the core. It makes things click in his mind, it fills the missing pieces of the puzzle. And when he looks back at the last few weeks, he feels ashamed, because he realizes he’s done something that he knows Blaine was afraid of.

Kurt knows - he’s been told occasionally, in not-so-friendly and then in understanding words - that he can get too wrapped up in himself. He knows he doesn’t want to apologize for finally feeling good in his skin, for _finally_ being able to look in the mirror and liking what he sees. But he’s better than this, he’s the one who sees people, knows when someone needs something.

Except, it seems, his fiancé is his blind spot. It’s the way Blaine clings to him, the way he sobs in Kurt’s arms that wakes Kurt up to the realization that he’s done the same thing that led to their break up the year before. There’s no excusing Blaine’s actions; Kurt isn’t going to do that. Not for the year before, not for now. And he didn’t _see_ Blaine the year before that; the slow undoing of all of Blaine’s bravado wasn’t right under Kurt’s nose, not like now when they’re seeing each other even though Blaine still officially lives with Mercedes and Sam.

“Honey,” Kurt whispers when they crumble onto the couch, Blaine still sniffling quietly, but shaking a lot less than earlier. “We need to talk.”

Immediately, Kurt feels Blaine stiffen in his arms. He hears the sucked in breath and knows the signs of anxiety that are radiating off of Blaine at the words.

“Oh god no, I’m sorry, that…” Kurt babbles, realizing how the words must have sounded to Blaine. “That was an absolutely wrong choice of words. I’m _not_ breaking up with you. I’m not. I meant it earlier, I’m never going to stop loving you.”

“That doesn’t guarantee you wanting to be with me,” Blaine says with a choked sob. “I’d understand it, you know. I’m not…”

Kurt shifts them until Blaine is sitting with his legs across Kurt’s lap, their eyes facing each other, and puts a finger over Blaine’s lips.

“Don’t say it, Blaine,” Kurt says firmly. “Whatever you were going to say to put yourself down, don’t say it.”

“But,” Blaine mumbles against Kurt’s finger, but then stills at the look in Kurt’s eyes.

“I meant this, what happened earlier, what was going on this week,” Kurt explains. “It made me think of last year…”

The moment he says it, Kurt realizes that it was the wrong thing to say again. Blaine’s eyes widen, and the shivering from earlier returns. Gone is the relative calm and Blaine’s breathing speeds up. Kurt can feel the fingers fidgeting in Blaine’s lap, and he pulls his hand away from Blaine’s mouth to reach for Blaine’s hand.

“I trust you,” he whispers. “Even though you ran to the internet, I _trust you_ to not run to someone else. Do you believe me?”

Blaine nods shakily, but Kurt can see that it’s hesitant, that Blaine has already started beating himself up over what happened.

“I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t trust you,” Kurt says quietly, his fingers gripping Blaine’s hand tighter.

“Okay,” Blaine whispers, his voice barely audible, but sounding like he’s trying to make himself believe Kurt’s words.

“But this, what you’ve been doing, the way you feel, it’s not something that is only about now, is it?”

Blaine shakes his head at Kurt’s question, but it takes a few quiet and terrifying moments.

“Was it like last year?” Kurt asks hesitantly.

“Kind of, a little,” Blaine says and curls against Kurt’s side, like he’s supporting himself. “It was… the reasons are different, but the feeling… the way… what I said earlier about feeling like I’m losing, like you’re going to leave me behind… that was the same.”

“I’m not,” Kurt whispers into Blaine’s hair. “I couldn’t. I might not need you to protect me, to be physically stronger, but I still _need you_.”

“It feels like I can’t breathe, sometimes,” Blaine mumbles, and Kurt can feel the tension roll off Blaine. “And it was everything this time, school, the weight, Sam having Mercedes, Rachel being busy, _you_ …” Blaine pauses for a beat but quickly adds, “not that I blame you, it’s not your fault that I’m falling apart. It’s not, I just…”

“I know you don’t,” Kurt interrupts. “But I could have noticed.” He feels Blaine shake his head, but doesn’t let it stop him. “I could have. I notice with others, but somehow I got used to you being composed, steady. Like the you that I met at Dalton, and maybe I got a little stuck in seeing you like that.”

“It’s…” Blaine starts but Kurt shakes his head.

“It’s not fine. I know it’s not. We’ve both changed, and it’s not only the idea of you from back then that I’m in love with,” he says. “I love all of you, but this is maybe something that love alone can’t make better.”

“What are you saying, Kurt?” Blaine shifts so he can face Kurt again.

“There was a thing that the hospital gave me after…” Kurt pauses and then shrugs. “Well, after. And I didn’t think it was necessary, even though Dad brought it up too, but…” Kurt takes a deep breath and looks at Blaine warily. “The doctor suggested I go to a counselling session.”

“I … they told me to, after Sadie Hawkins,” Blaine whispers after a pause that feels heavy, the air tense between them. “Mom, I think, wanted me to, but when I started at Dalton, I was fine, so… Dad seemed so proud of me for not going, for doing it all by myself, that I didn’t…”

“I thought so,” Kurt says quietly and tightens his grip on Blaine’s hand. “You didn’t go after the shooting either, did you?”

Blaine shakes his head and ducks it, pressing his forehead to Kurt’s shoulder.

“Maybe we should…” Kurt starts but pauses, listening for Blaine’s reaction, then continues when Blaine doesn’t seem to be protesting immediately. “Maybe we should both try?”

Blaine pulls away, looks at Kurt, and breathes in a few times. His eyes are still shiny with the tears from earlier, his fingers are linked with Kurt’s in an almost painful grip, but Kurt can see the look in Blaine’s eyes lightening a little.

“Together?” Blaine asks then, and there’s no mistaking the hopeful tone in his voice.

“Together,” Kurt whispers back, then leans in to kiss Blaine gently before he tugs him into a firm hug.

Maybe he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on in Blaine’s mind. Maybe he never will understand. But he’s not letting ghosts from the past become hurdles in the present any more than necessary. Not if he can help it. And together, they might just be able to conquer them all.


End file.
